for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
