Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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