Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
