You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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