I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
