He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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