if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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