im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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