You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
