I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
