The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
