Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
