You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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