I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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