I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
