Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
