Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
