i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
