I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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