I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
