there was a trapeze. enough said
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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