I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
they call him Oral-B. enough said
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
