My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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