If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
