I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
