Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
