I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
