I just saw a hot homeless man
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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