I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
