and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
