I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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