I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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