dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I had to cum in my sink.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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