Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
