He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
