I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
