I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i think i have two assholes
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The Olympian is in my bed
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
