I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Randomize
