and my herpes radar will keep us safe
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
