I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
