Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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