R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
