Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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