I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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