im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
