go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
