Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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