It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
