Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
