I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
