and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I AM VODKA MAN
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
