My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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