Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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