I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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