please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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