last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
