i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
