Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
