I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
