naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
