Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
