I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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