i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
