he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
