I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
