Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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