I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize