GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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