if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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