Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
