If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
