the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
