i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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